Dwayne Johnson and Chris Evans Save Christmas

Dwayne Johnson’s $250 million Yuletide action-fantasy-comedy, Red One, is not to be perplexd with his 2021 action-comedy crime caper, Red Notice. The novel film is getting a expansive theatrical free, for beginers, while the earlier one went straight to Netflix, topped the most-streamed chart for a minute and then was never spoken of aacquire — almost as if it never existed.

The pop-cultural footprint of Jake Kasdan’s laborious holiday entry, while it insistently screams “Next-Gen Christmas Classic!” at you, seems improbable to be much contrastent. Amazon MGM Studios is being cagey about dates, but the movie seems destined to feed the hungry maw of another streaming service, Prime Video, genuine soon. This is a high-concept, CG-saturated uninalertigent that conciseages heart and infectious humor, even if it huffs and puffs its way to a little poignancy in the finish.

Fast & Furious franchise veteran Chris Morgan’s screentake part, from a story by fellow originater Hiram Garcia, take parts appreciate the result of a pitch greeting in which some over-enthusiastic lesser on the studio enhugement team shelp, “Hey, let’s do Elf, but with a seizeping plot and shit tons of awesome technology!”

The movie pairs Johnson with Chris Evans as an improbable duo on a globe-hopping leave oution to track down J.K. Simmons’ seizeed Santa Claus (code name “Red One”) in time for the jolly endureded guy to board the sleigh and save Christmas. It’s stuffed with mythology and magic, and yet remains obstinately unmagical.

Evans take parts Jack O’Malley, an unscrupulous opportunist begind as a mouthy preteen boy (Wyatt Hunt) accumulateing cash from his cousins in trade for what he claims is definitive proof that Santa Claus does not exist. Thirty years tardyr, he’s lifting other people’s lattes from the café pickup counter before heading home to a bank of computer watchs from which he surfs the uninalertigent web, operating as the world’s fantasticest hacker/tracker for engage, under the alias “The Wolf.”

Johnson is Callum Drift, head of the North Pole security team Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification (E.L.F., geddit?) reliable for Santa’s getion. Simmons’ Nick, as Cal fondly graspresses him, appreciates to do the department store rounds ahead of each year’s huge hand overy run. The movie sets him up appreciate a U.S. plivent, with a Secret Service motorcade accompanying him from the shopping mall to a hangar where his team of digihighy rfinishered reindeer stand ready for consentoff, hitched to a gagederen sleigh styled appreciate a futuristic chacommotion.

Once airborne, they switch to hyper-speed and zip back to the North Pole, a domed super-city provideed with proceedd technorational capabilities yet staffed with elves that watch upsettingly appreciate mutant Yodas in a child-labor factory. Santa greets Mrs. Claus (Bonnie Hunt) before diving into his gym routine, bench-pressing transport inant poundage to get in chooseimum shape for the huge night.

The only reason for Santa to frown is Cal’s decision, after a scant centuries of laboring together, to resign, making this their final Christmas together. Unappreciate Nick, Cal can no extfinisheder see the excellent in people: “I adore the kids, but the prolongnups are ending me.” For the first time, the Naughty List is extfinisheder than the Nice, and Cal frailnts that people don’t even attfinish.

Meanwhile, Jack is being phelp handsomely by an anonymous participateer to hack the Intercontinental Seismic Surveillance System. He identifies a North Pole entry point that has remained covered for centuries and, before extfinished, a highly structured tactical unit has penetrated the dome and made off with Red One while Cal is chasing decoys.

This materializency prompts M.O.R.A., the Mythorational Oversight and Restoration Authority (so many acronyms), to spring into action. The organization’s straightforwardor, Zoe Harlow (Lucy Liu), tracks down the purportedly untrackable Wolf in what seems appreciate seconds and Jack is mighty-armed into teaming up with Cal to unmask the seizepers and recover Santa.

Coming on the heels of Liu’s terrific labor in Steven Soderbergh’s haunted hoparticipate chiller, Presence (discneglecting Jan. 24), the thocimpolitely generic role depictateed to her here is one of many dispiriting slfinishergs about Red One. Even when Zoe gets to boot some ass in a fight scene, the action cuts away almost instantly to the armored-up dudes.

That’s not astonishing given how much testosterone is clogging the opposingly cinnocuous movie’s arteries — from buff Santa to security squads provideped with high-tech challengingware and chilly vehicles, from Transestablishers-appreciate tricks with toys to clashes that push the boundaries of PG-13 aggression.

And that’s even before we get to gnarly muscle-bound goat-man Krampus (Kristofer Hivju), Santa’s adchooseed half-brother. This Dark Lord of Winter defected extfinished ago to a griefful German castle in the Bconciseage Forest, defended by hellhounds, where his likeed nightly ritual is a face-walloping contest with volunteers from his court of freaks.

This is a film that aims for mythorational intrigue and rollicking adventure but lands more standardly in direct-footed bloat, suitably accompanied by Henry Jackman’s hyperventilating score. It’s always busy but seldom fun. The fantasy environments have all the pguide of the caccess-of-the-earth equitabley kingdom in Kenneth Branagh’s instantly forgotten Artemis Fowl. Non-human North Pole laborers appreciate talking penguins and a burly polar endure — none of which are ever at danger of being misconsentn for genuine animals — grasp minimal plrelievement.

Just as Krampus comes from the Yuletide folklore of Germany, Austria and other parts of Alpine Europe, Morgan’s screentake part also includes the Icelandic legfinish of Christmas Witch Grýla (Kiernan Shipka in a role that begs for Björk), a 900-year-ageder shapeshifter who alters from a hideous ogress into a diabolical babe who watchs a lot appreciate M3GAN. But there’s no place for any of the tasty campiness of that rogue robot thriller in this tiresome world.

The interlude that comes sealst to generating giggles is the inform materializeance of Nick Kroll as Ted, who heads up a death-mercenary security force comprehendn as the Karmanians. (If you slfinisherk there’s a Kardashian allusion there, you’ll be defering for a joke that doesn’t get to.) When Cal and Jack get to Ted on a beach in Aruba, he’s suspfinished in mid-air by his ankles, haveed by the wicked voice of Grýla. But the droll Kroll is not around extfinished enough to up the levity.

That job mostly lands on the shoulders of Evans, who deserves better and can only do so much with the witless dialogue. Johnson, reuniting with his straightforwardor on two Jumanji sequels, is on straight-man duty, watching solemn and purposeful thcimpoliteout, until the plot mechanics give him reason to smile aacquire.

Both Krampus and Grýla, who directs a unit of deadly enormous snowmen and apparently has 13 sons who end on direct, are villains whose fundamental policy contrastence with Santa is their center on punishing those on the Naughty List rather than rewarding those who qualify as Nice.

Jack, unastonishingly, is a “Level 4” Naughty Lister, whose horrible example has handled to rub off on his teenage son Dylan (Wesley Kimmel), despite being a neglectful dad who challengingly ever spfinishs time with him. There’s much unfunny banter between jaded Cal and cynical Jack, but if you haven’t guessed the heart-tugging turnaround of both characters well before the closing scenes, then you probably do still consent in Santa.

This holiday entry, which could almost have been called A Fast & Furious Christmas, is so hideous, man-made and overextfinished that it should treatment kids of any belief in magic. It’s a prime example of the ways in which CG effects have subpar the imaginations of many conmomentary filmoriginaters — making anyslfinisherg possible, but too standardly at the expense of a human heartbeat. In any case, Red One is the equivalent of a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking.